What I Learned About Therapy in Five Sessions
If you’ve ever looked for a therapist, you probably understand just how badly emotional pain hurts and how very confusing it can be to choose someone to help. As both a therapist and a patient, I’ve learned a good amount about therapy. Here, I’ll shine a light on my own experiences so that you can focus on what’s most important for you: finding a good therapy match so you can feel better and stronger in yourself. The following are five snapshots of therapy — five sessions — as conducted by five different therapists.
Mr. S handed me worksheets on “cognitive distortions” or “patterns of faulty thinking.” “Can you recognize any of these patterns in yourself? Fill out this thought record… write down any times you catch yourself falling into one of these thought traps. Bring it back in two weeks, and we’ll discuss.”
Dr. M took out his white board and Expo marker, and taught me to do deep breathing. “Our time is best spent learning, so let’s practice… in through the nose, out through the mouth….”
Ms. P explained boundaries and feminist thought. “Women carry heavy burdens in our society. You don’t have to be in a relationship if you don’t want to be. You don’t have to ‘have it all.’”
Mrs. L taught me about my central nervous system. She modeled grounding skills: “Look around the room and label what you see: green fern, paisley wallpaper, brown ceiling fan.” She was “trauma informed”: “Tell me about your most painful memory…. Ok, stop talking now.... I see your trauma in your neck, the way it’s frozen…. Feel it, lean into it,” she directed.
Dr. G sat with me. He listened intently. “What could I possibly be saying that could be so important?” I wondered. “You don’t say much,” I’d charge. “All you do is normalize what I say, but I need help. Something concrete!” I’d insist with frustration. He probably felt frustrated too. But still, we sat. I talked... he asked questions… at times he challenged me. I had all kinds of feelings about our work, our relationship. We could talk about it all.
My experience with Dr. G was life-changing. He offered me a weekly refuge from life and from my mind that I eventually was able to create within myself. I learned I could tolerate and cope with all kinds of emotional distress. I grew to feel more comfortable in myself and my relationships.
But the truth is that I benefited in some way from each of these five sessions. And in doing so, I’ve learned the following critically important lessons about therapy:
The way therapy works and feels with one therapist can be very different from another.
There are strengths in all kinds of therapies, and almost all therapists genuinely want to be of support.
When people are looking for therapy, we are almost always suffering some kind of emotional pain. And we want — and sometimes need — to feel better!
Some therapies offer specific activities and concrete strategies that promise relief.
These concrete therapies can, and often do, help us feel better. But often the relief we find is temporary, and/or needs to be practiced and re-learned regularly, because these kinds of therapies often don’t reach below our symptoms. And sometimes these therapies can feel like a miss because they overlook our human-ness, our feelings, our needs, our fears… our individuality.
Other therapies seem to offer no concrete relief, yet remarkably, we feel better in a few sessions anyway.
These depth/insight/relational therapies can create lasting changes, because they don’t focus only on symptoms, but instead tune into our whole person. We “learn” by experiencing new ways of being with ourselves and others in a deep, comprehensive way, working through thoughts, sensations and feelings, as well as in our relational patterns and styles.
Depth, insight and relationally-oriented therapies require a bit of trust at the beginning. There may not be anything tangible to see; there’s often no workbook, no exercise ball, and no “green fern” or “paisley wallpaper.” That’s because these kinds of therapies understand that the solutions, the seeds of growth and healing, are inside you. The therapist’s role is to help you find and use them. In this way, starting therapy from this place is really about starting to trust in yourself.
I wish I could say that in five therapy sessions, I learned a miracle cure for anxiety or depression. Instead, I learned something more valuable: it takes time to heal — and that lasting change is possible. I am a proponent of depth, insight, and relational therapies. This type of therapy resonates so powerfully for me both because as a psychodynamically-trained, relational therapist I’ve seen so many people heal and grow in my own practice, and also because it has helped me so personally in my own life. If I’ve piqued your curiosity about these therapies, I’m glad.
But above all else, remember that you can learn something through all kinds of experiences, from the most validating and valuable to the take-it-or-leave-it, to the most utterly disappointing. If you haven’t found a therapy match yet, if you’re feeling disheartened about your search, don’t give up. While it can be a confusing and rocky process, it doesn’t have to be. Trust in yourself. There is a part of you that knows what you need. Practice listening to it. And keep searching until you can find a therapist who can hear it too.
Written By:
Dayna Sharp is a psychodynamically-trained, relational psychotherapist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker. She has a private practice in Haddonfield, NJ and Philadelphia, PA, where she works with children and adults. Learn more about her work at www.creatingspacecounselingandwellness.com