I Went to Therapy and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt
When some people travel, they like to buy souvenirs. Key chains, magnets, t-shirts, alcohol, specialty foods… anything to remind them of where they’ve visited. Perhaps it’s a desire for affirmation, an ”I was here!”, or a gift for their loved ones as assurance that they were thought of during their week or two away. Others don’t buy souvenirs at all, leaving the memories up to their own minds, shared stories, and social media feeds.
My mother-in-law and I like to travel together. We’ve visited many countries and have had the good fortune to get along famously, even through some of our longer trips. But there is one major difference between us that tends to push the ropes: she loves to buy souvenirs and I don’t. It doesn’t sound like a big deal, but in the moment, it is! She becomes preoccupied with buying souvenirs; worrying about not getting something for everyone, anxious that certain family members won’t like the texture or some other feature of the souvenir, planning how to get to certain stores to buy the souvenirs… all while I enjoy being in the present moment of exploring wherever it is we are. I don’t want to be thinking about stores and souvenirs! I want to be here, where we are! I don’t need a magnet to know I went to Switzerland; I can feel the beauty of the country in my heart and soul!
Our feathers get a bit ruffled, but somehow we work through it, and even end up laughing about our difference.
This might sound odd, but as a therapist I often find myself in a similar position with my clients. In some ways, therapy can be a little like travelling—it’s a journey, sometimes an adventure and it’s an important kind of exploring new territory: one’s own mind and one’s self in relation to another.
Sometimes I have clients that want souvenirs. They want a worksheet, some homework, a strategy—anything concrete—that they can take with them. “I've been in therapy!” the souvenir reminds them. “I know I won’t forget! I can do this!” And sometimes I might oblige in the spirit of meeting people where they are, and really to validate their sense of emotional pain. Yes, it hurts, and yes, I will give you this. Perhaps it will serve as a passport, if you come through this dark place again.
But another part of me wonders if focusing on souvenirs in therapy can actually add to the anxiety and fear. What if souvenirs distract us from what’s really important—the relationship, the experience, the sheer adventure? What if believing that we need souvenirs only perpetuates insecurities that we won’t be okay without them?
So sometimes I’ll put it right out there: you don’t need a souvenir to be okay. You don’t need your passport stamped. Because you’ve been here; we’ve been here together. You will feel that in your heart and soul forever. There’s a map that’s a part of you, that you’ll keep with you. You will feel it, and you won’t need the paper!
At first, this might be a new way of thinking. You might feel disappointed or anxious if you start a therapy where you’re not getting these concrete souvenirs. You might even think, “what am I paying for? I didn’t even get anything!”. But if you can put the need for the souvenirs in your suitcase, and stay present in the journey, you might start to feel a deeper kind of security. A powerful confidence in yourself. And you just might find yourself thinking, “I went to therapy and got so much more than a lousy t-shirt!”
Written By:
Dayna Sharp is a psychodynamically-trained, relational psychotherapist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker. She has a private practice in Haddonfield, NJ and Philadelphia, PA, where she works with children and adults. Learn more about her work at www.creatingspacecounselingandwellness.com
Photo courtesy of @lucabravo